time travel: the most emo entry i'll ever post i promise.

slackin at work
traffic jam!

Preface: I started this entry ten days ago and began it out of frustration and anger. Take my

tone lightly seeing as things have (slightly) changed since then. I considered deleting the entire thing

and approaching this entry with a different mindset. But instead of denying these potentially

reoccurring feelings I decided to include them while adding a not so "whoa is me" ending :)

Rewind to 10 days ago:

I knew this would happen. I aimed to write in this blog once a week but it's been more like once a month. I will try to do better I promise. Right now I'm sitting in my pseudo office at the college of nursing and figured "hey what better time to write in my blog than when I'm doing nothing at work!" I know it's just a temporary emotional/frustrated/confused/unmotivated mood that I'm in right now but I can't help feeling anger toward myself, my VISTA site, or Americorps in general...I haven't quite figured out who's to blame here.

I'm feeling spread so thin among different supervisors, sites, and projects that I can't even keep track or tell them apart anymore. I know things will improve and become clearer soon but it's the lack of patience I have in getting there that is the problem. Since conversing with fellow VISTAs I know I'm not alone in these feelings of frustration. A lot of us volunteers seem to be thrown into things without much training or experience (though I assume this is common within the non-profit world). A lot of VISTAs that I've met are feeling unsatisfied with their work because there's nothing or not enough for them to do!

Another contributor to these feelings is the discovery of whom my VISTA supervisor/coordinator really is. Let me tell you a little story... [In order to preserve anonymity I will refer to her as Shmiane (phonetically spelled Shmeye-anne iif you catch my drift)]. When I first began my service here (I thought) my supervisor was fantastic. She went out of her way to make my parents and me feel comfortable about the move and everything that went along with it. She made sure to personally meet my parents, take them out to breakfast, and even invite them to their church. It seemed that Shmiane really wanted to make her new VISTAs feel at home. Although a few issues arose along the way (i.e. taking a few extra weeks after move-in to furnish the "semi-furnished" apartments, making harmless yet unnecessary comments about other VISTAs, focusing more on VISTA social events than on giving SUPERVISING me etc.) they could easily be overlooked since I knew (well thought rather) how good Shmiane's intentions really were deep down. But the breaking point was when Shmiane spitefully and unjustifiably did not let my roommate Maggie move in to our house after driving 12 hours from New Jersey. She claimed that Maggie never informed Shmiane of her move in date and time. As a consequence, and since traveling with her cutie patootie pooch, Maggie had to quickly find a pet-friendly hotel in a unfamiliar city to spend the night. This unnecessary issue was later nipped in the bud when Maggie victoriously found an archived emailed that had been previously sent to Shmiane in late August which stated her exact move in details. IN YOUR FACE. I'm leaving out many many details and other events but I don't want to waste both your and my valuable time...but I think you get the gist.

Fast forward to the present:

It's currently Sunday Oct. 18th and I'm sprawled out on my couch eagerly awaiting the Kathy Griffin standup show tonight! My friend Ashley and I, the day before the deadline, entered The City Paper's drawing to win free Kathy Griffin tickets. We promised to take the other if either of us won...lo and behold Ashley found the golden ticket and her lucky date is yours truly! I'm super stoked if you can't tell.

In other news my mood has taken a near 180 degree turn. My anxiety's peak came to a head when I realized that the specific project, my VAD (VISTA Assignment Description), that I am expected to complete by the end of the year and soul reason for me being here has not even been addressed. Though partly my own fault, I assumed that the projects currently being given to me were my VAD. It finally clicked that I have a whole other individual job to do other than the side tasks I've been given. Silly me, I thought that everyone knew this and was guiding me in the direction of VAD completion. After expressing my frustrations with another VISTA site supervisor I realized that I have to take charge if I want anything accomplished. I realized that though everyone knows I'm an Americorps VISTA they may not necessarily know what that means. (I guess I give people too much credit sometimes.) Since my newfound enlightenment I've sat down with one of my many supervisors and "reminded" her of my assignment. I still have some other supervisory "reminding" to do but I already feel more motivated and purposeful.

Not knowing every task and project I've been given as well as what's specifically on my VAD I'm sure this synopsis seems a bit vague. But the important thing is that since learning my true role here I now know that I have more power and discretion as to what I should and shouldn't be doing. ALSO some of the ideas I have floating around concerning my VAD include: creating radio (and hopefully TV) PSAs encouraging "Active Living and Healthy Eating"; in addition to (and with the same purpose) implementing a community garden in the Noisette community that a (still undetermined) student group with maintain. My life here is slowly but surely falling into place which is helping to set my mind at ease :)

P.S. If anyone has suggestions or advice I'd love to hear them!